About a year ago, my husband and I were out with a white acquaintance and somewhere in our extensive conversation about real estate, the man made a racial joke. There was that inevitable uncomfortable moment where neither my husband nor I were laughing, so the man quickly covered his tracks by saying, “well, I can say that because my wife is black.”
derailment (n): a defensive argument, statement, or question that dismisses or seeks to undermine anti-racist arguments in an effort to preserve privilege or the status quo
We’ve all either done this or heard this in discussions about race. An errant comment is dismissed by a disclaimer: “I’m not a racist. I have black/Asian/Latino friends/coworkers/or in this guy’s case, a spouse.” Because we know or have affection for a person of color, somehow that makes it okay to make a racial slur. [This is the point where I would express a certain amount of ?!@#$%$^$??]
What struck me about the situation at the top of this post was that the man’s black wife was not present for our conversation. I often wonder if our “black friends” were around, would we say the same things? Perhaps. But often, we have better judgment when we are among a more diverse group. Even if we say such things in that context, do we ever really consider how that makes our “friends” feel?
Occasionally, I’ve seen conversations among a diverse group of colleagues or friends go like this: a white person utters a regrettable remark and then asks the representative person of color if the comment offended him/her. “You know I’m joking, right?” or “No offense, k?” At which point the person of color is faced with these choices: 1) call even more attention to himself/herself by rebuking their colleague, 2) laugh and ignore it like it wasn’t a big deal, but it really might be a big deal or 3) laugh because they, too decide to embrace the stereotype in order to be accepted in the group. In any of these options, the imposed-upon person is being asked to pardon the offender without any condemnation of the act itself. Is this something we really want to do to “friends”? Create awkward situations where they cannot voice the hurt we’ve caused them? Or worse, compel them to accept and adopt our prejudices in order to fit in?
The whole idea makes me question the nature of our friendships with people of color. At least two of my grandmothers regularly referred to all black people as “colored” but had befriended their black neighbors or nurses. At least one of them still used the n-word from time to time. In their minds, these women were “exceptions” to the “rules” they had accepted about black folks. Even while my white grandmothers accepted these women into their lives and homes, the invisible social dynamics of our country, reinforced by the language and behavior of my grandmas, kept them from ever really knowing and loving one another as friends. They were still unflinchingly attached to a system of prejudice that made egalitarian friendship impossible. With this attitude, were my grandmas truly acting as friends to their black “friends”?
In a more contemporary example, I’ve heard younger relations make racial slurs against black folks, Native American folks, and Latino folks all with the disclaimer that they have friends of those races. Again, those “friends” are never around when those things are said because all of us know that those hurtful words would never be spoken in their presence. If it would hurt our friends to say these things in front of them, do we not think it would be as injurious if not more so to say these things when they aren’t around and evoke their names and friendships in defense of our bad behavior?
In my experience, when I become friends with a person different from me, I become more defensive of them or their cause, whatever that might be. Having friends of color makes me more sensitive to the things that threaten and injure them, not less. Having Republican friends makes me more likely to stop one of my liberal friends from ranting about the collective idiocy of conservatives. Having a cousin with intellectual and physical disabilities makes me more likely to call someone out for making offensive comments about “short buses”, etc. I would think that if we really care about our friends of color, we’d be quick to correct false stereotypes.
If we were really a friend to those folks, we’d certainly not be perpetuating prejudice and using our friendships to prop up our wrongful behavior. To those who say, “I’m not racist [despite the racist comment I just made], I have black friends,” I have to ask, which part then is the lie? The comment you just made, or the affection you claim you have for your friends? Let us not betray our friends of color by participating in conversations, ideas or ideologies that tear them down.
From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers,these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water. -James 3:10-12
Irene's Daughters 
Thanks, Cayce. This post is awesome, and ties in with today’s post from Slant Eye for the Round Eye. Apparently one of the Survivor: Samoa cast members defended himself from charges of racism (after making clearly racist remarks about a fellow cast member, Yasmin) by saying that his girlfriend is Asian. Oh. Okay then. All is well.
And it also reminds me of Bob Jones University — my friend Caroline once sent me to a link to a page on their website, which of course I cannot find now, on which the university defended its interracial dating ban by saying: “BJU is not racist. In fact, we have an Asian American student body president. Would a racist institution allow an Asian American student body president?” To which one can only respond, …apparently?
BJ University (which is what my friends and I like to call it) irritates me to no end. Although I have to give it some kudos, BJU was always my trump card when we were playing the, “Oh yah? You think that’s bad? Check this out!” game.
During free time in college, when I was feeling particularly bad about something, I would peruse their articles and remember that at least I didn’t have to succumb to their ideology and I would, somehow, feel better about life.
Here you go: “The [Truth About Bob Jones University] paper adds facts to back up the school’s stated stance against racism. Its 1998 Alumni Appreciation Award recipient was a black BJU graduate, and the school’s current student body president is an Asian-American.”
Nice.
I think this same BJU webpage I read years ago also had a lot of language about how they don’t hate Catholics — in fact, they love Catholics, they just want them to turn way from false doctrines and embrace Christianity! I was just like, wow, why didn’t I go to BJU? They would have loved me for oh so many reasons!
But, Nikki, don’t you understand? BJU loves you and wants you to reject the evil teachings of Catholicism.. to save your soul, of course.
“We love the practicing Catholic and earnestly desire to see him accept the Christ of the Cross, leave the false system that has enslaved his soul, and enjoy the freedom of sins forgiven that is available for any of us in Christ alone.”
Turn back, O man
Forswear thy foolish ways
Yes, between being everyone’s token Asian friend and proving an irresistible target for proselytizing, I’m sure I would have been Miss Popularity at BJU…
Update here from Wikipedia:
While I join all of y’all in your scorn for these policies @ BJU, let none of us fall into the trap of scapegoating our own prejudices onto an easy target. I fell into it when I talked about the grandmas. Like, “look how racist all the old folks are. You can see we’ve come a long way far because of how I’m so enlightened.”
Bob Jones has a nasty history and it’s obviously still grievously wrong on a host of issues. It’s easy for us to feel better about ourselves in comparison. Being better than BJU is a rather low standard to set for oneself. ;)
Being better than BJU is a rather low standard to set for oneself. ;)
Too true! We don’t want to get off track! :)
Man, I should have checked Wikipedia. Sorry about the tangent. My bad.
I agree with you; as I said in my comment below, practically everyone I know has a racist grandparent or two, and it’s too easy to point and say “look how far we’ve come” rather than taking a good hard look at our own prejudices.
All the same, I think there’s a real difference between pointing out the racism of our elders (or Bob Jones policies, or whatever) just to pat ourselves on the back, and discussing how these things were and are still hurtful to people, and how they affected us in our native environments.
At least two of my grandmothers regularly referred to all black people as “colored” but had befriended their black neighbors or nurses. At least one of them still used the n-word from time to time. In their minds, these women were “exceptions” to the “rules” they had accepted about black folks.
Cayce, this is such an important point. My grandparents, from what I have gathered, were very similar — although not from the South. My grandfather, who worked as an electrician in Cleveland, had a team that was about half white and half black. He’d invite them all over to the tiny family farm in North Royalton (where my grandmother would pretend not to be mortified by the presence of black people in the house), and my mother says he “really didn’t care whether people were black or white, so long as they weren’t assholes” and worked hard.
But both, well, ALL my grandparents used the n-word occasionally, and in their case they seemed to use it to refer to black people they didn’t know, like, or respect, as opposed to the ones they did. As if racial slurs don’t hurt the entire group — as if you can possibly excuse such a loaded, offensive word, with all its terrible history, just by saying “oh, I didn’t mean YOU”:
“You know I’m joking, right?” … “No offense, k?”
The other thing I wanted to say is that, while we all pretty much have racially prejudiced older relatives and it can be good to talk about their prejudices and how they may have affected us, I think some people also find it too easy to keep those voices firmly in the past — so we can point and say “look how far we’ve come” rather than taking a good hard look at our own prejudices.
Well put, except perhaps the part about Republicans. It’s not racist to hate Republicans! (tongue firmly in cheek)
LOL
You know, if I may make a suggestion, I would really like someone here to touch on the issues of racism in veterans. It’s something that I have excused, or rather, swept under the rug in the past and I am not sure that’s what I should have done. I don’t know much about it, other than my experiences, and would like to hear others take on the issue.
For example, my grandfather, who is a veteran of war, is racist against those from the country where he fought. He would never say anything specific and would just have a general disdain.
And everyone would sort of skate around the issue. I don’t know if this is what I was told or if I developed the idea on my own, but I somehow ascertained that the reason everyone found this ‘acceptable’ was that during war that my grandfather’s enemies was monsterized by propaganda and by the military specifically. The idea was that by seeing the enemy as less-than-human was that soldiers could deal with taking their lives. So I never said anything because I thought by proving to my grandfather it wasn’t true, that he would sort of unravel at the seams.. or something. Although I didn’t agree with it, it sort of made sense for my grandpa to be racist. Y’know? That’s how the mind of a 7 year old worked, anyway.
I’d LOVE to hear more about it: How to deal with that specific kind of racism and prejudices, research or articles written about it.
Just a thought.
My grandfathers were also veterans, though the only one who went to World War II spent all his time in Italy/France, and so his prejudices were really against Germans (universally; he thought they couldn’t be trusted) and French and Italians (the ones who collaborated with the Nazis; he thought most of them were gutless). I don’t think he had much of a problem with Asians, per se, but I’m sure he used the same slurs (jap, chink, gook, etc.) as everyone else — though I could be wrong, since he died when I was one. My grandmother, who lived in Seattle during the war, where the threat of Pacific invasion felt very real, still occasionally uses the term “Jap,” but on an individual basis — me; her best friend who is Hapa — she doesn’t have a problem with Asian people.
The American people, and particularly those targeted for military recruitment, were flooded with a stream of negative, dehumanizing anti-Japanese propaganda during WWII. Plus there were people like my grandparents, who lived in the PNW at the time of the Japanese American internment and, as far as I know, didn’t feel negatively about it at the time. I wonder if it’s just expecting too much for people who fought in the war in the Pacific to get over such deep and long-held feelings about the Japanese. If my grandfather were still alive, I doubt he’d be suddenly fond of the Germans, you know?
All the same, I don’t think he was able to fight and stay alive because he hated the Germans. I’m not sure “hate” is an accurate term for what he felt. I think he had a great survival instinct, and was incredibly tough and hard and resourceful. And I know he hated many of the things he had to do in order to stay alive and keep his men alive, too, and he never talked about it except with his old war buddies.
Anyway, this is not meant to be an excuse for prejudice, but at the same time, like you, I think I understand why it happens this way. What else would you expect from the evils of war? And look at the way we have demonized and stereotyped Muslim people since 9/11 (it’s not as if things were peachy keen before that tragedy. But it went from bad to much much worse, pretty much overnight). The enemy always has to be dehumanized if he’s going to remain the enemy.
As for how to deal with it, I don’t know, but I don’t think one’s approach needs to be so different from the approach you’d take with anyone else of any age expressing racist beliefs. Still, I realize it is complicated by the fact that these are older prejudices, and probably harder to shake with logical argument. Plus we all owe a genuine debt to veterans of this country, and it seems uncharitable to suggest that the wars they fought for *us* might have played some role in hardening their prejudices.